9am

We are obsessed with starting at 9 a.m., and I really don’t get it.

Actually, I do. There are many good reasons why things begin at 9 a.m., and I know all about them—because I was told, in exhaustive detail, by an unsolicited Slovenian.

However, for the purposes of this article, I have completely ignored that.

It is objectively true that no one of sound mind enjoys traffic. Most people hate it. So it makes no sense to me that we start and end our days by battling through it.

What we should do instead is take advice from certain weddings—the kind that offer buffets instead of the more civilized (and therefore correct) table service.

Usually, only one table is allowed up at a time to serve themselves. This is, of course, barbaric. But it does prevent a stampede of hungry guests, and it's a good example of sensible staggering.

I believe we should emulate this practice by staggering people’s start times.

Key workers could perhaps start at 9 a.m., given their necessity. But maybe hairdressers could begin at 10? Bowling alley attendants at 11? Sandwich artists at 12? And, of course, estate and letting agents at 2 a.m.—or never again.

If we did this, road traffic could be spread across a full 24 hours, and the roads would be quieter for everyone. This would lead to much less commuter stress, many more happy lives, and fewer beaten children.

Naturally, it would mean that socialising becomes harder, as no one would be able to coordinate schedules. Many marriages would have to be sacrificed for similar reasons. But this is no excuse to be unambitious. It’s a small price to pay for a peaceful commute.

After all, we don’t need to be social. We don’t need loving, caring relationships with others. They’re just a vulgar indulgence.

What we do need is lighter traffic. And soon.

Anyway, just a thought. Chew it over. Let me know.